SPEAKING.APP

Panic. Embarrassed. Exposed. No, that’s not how I’m feeling right now. Those were my feelings as a 14-year-old on the first day of high school. My English teacher, Mr. Meredith, had each of us stand up and introduce ourselves. After class he pulled me aside and said, “Matt, you’re really good at this talking thing. I need you here on Saturday for the speech contest.” So I did what I was told. I prepared a 10-minute talk on karate. I loved karate, so the content was easy. Then Saturday came. The room was much larger than I expected, and the audience was much bigger too: my friends, my friends’ parents serving as judges, and the girl I had a crush on. I felt tremendous anxiety. In the first 10 seconds of my 10-minute presentation, my life changed. I opened with a karate kick to “engage the audience.” But anxiety made me forget one key detail: my special karate pants. You know, the ones with a little extra room. I ripped my pants from belt loop to zipper. In that moment, I learned how powerfully anxiety can derail communication. And I’ve dedicated my work to helping people face that fear so it doesn’t silence them. Every one of us has stories to share, input to give, and ideas to spread. If anxiety blocks that, we miss out, society misses out, and we lose valuable, diverse voices. And this isn’t rare. If you’ve ever given spontaneous feedback, presented in front of a group, spoken up in a meeting, or asked someone on a date, you know this feeling. Research suggests about 85% of people feel anxious in high-stakes speaking situations. The point is simple: most of us feel this. So the goal isn’t to “eliminate” anxiety. The goal is to manage it. That word matters because anxiety is also useful. It gives us energy, it helps us focus, it tells us what we’re doing is important. But we have to manage it, so it doesn’t manage us. And it’s not only for our sake. When a speaker is visibly nervous, the audience feels it too. Most people don’t enjoy watching someone suffer. They get uncomfortable and distracted. I call this second-hand anxiety. If we manage our anxiety, our audience can actually hear our message. To manage anxiety, it helps to understand where it comes from. Humans are wired to care about status in a group. Not modern status like cars or likes, but the kind of status that mattered when our species evolved in groups of roughly 150 people. In that world, your standing affected access to food, shelter, and safety. It was life-or-death important. That ancient wiring shows up today when we speak in situations that feel evaluative. So here’s the approach: manage anxiety from two directions at the same time. 1) Address the symptoms (what happens in the body and mind). 2) Reduce the sources (the factors that intensify anxiety in the first place). First, the physiological symptoms. If your heart pounds or you feel shaky, take a deep breath before you start, like you might in yoga, tai chi, or qigong. Slow breathing helps settle the body. If you shake, use big, broad gestures. Nervous speakers often go small and tight. Broad gestures give the adrenaline somewhere to go. If you perspire or blush, hold something cold in the palm of your hand. Cooling the body can reduce blushing and sweating. We’ve all felt the reverse effect on a cold day when holding a hot coffee warms you up. This is the same idea, just flipped. Now the cognitive symptoms. A huge driver of anxiety is the anxiety about the anxiety. You’re sitting there thinking, “I should’ve prepared more. What if I blank? Why am I doing this?” That spiral makes everything worse. One way to short-circuit it is to greet the anxiety instead of fighting it. Tell yourself: “This is me feeling nervous. It makes sense. This matters.” That permission restores a sense of agency. Then do something small and practical: take a breath, take a short walk, reset, and come back composed instead of spiraling. Next, the sources, the things that reliably make anxiety worse. Source #1: “I’m going to forget. I’m going to blank out.” Use a map. A map in communication is a structure, a simple plan you can follow. My favorite is: what, so what, now what. - What: What are you talking about? Your idea, plan, product, or process. - So what: Why does it matter to this audience? - Now what: What happens next? What do you want them to do or expect? A structure like this makes you less likely to forget, and it also makes your message easier for others to remember. Source #2: Feeling judged and watched. Redirect attention. In a presentation, use a short video clip or a quick poll. In a conversation, ask a question or pass around a handout. It shifts attention off you, buys you a moment to settle, and it engages the audience. Win-win. Source #3: Treating communication like a performance with a single “right way.” Most of us grew up with activities like singing, dancing, acting, or sports. In those areas, there’s often a right way and a wrong way. Miss a line on stage, miss a cue in a sport, and it’s an error. We carry that mindset into speaking. But there is no one right way to communicate. There are better ways and worse ways, but not a single perfect way. So replace “performance” with “conversation.” Here’s how: - Put your attention on the audience. You’re in service of their needs. - Use conversational language: us, you, we. - Ask questions. Questions naturally create a two-way exchange. None of this is instant. It takes time. It takes persistence. We’re working against hardwired anxiety and years of learned habits. But with patience and self-kindness, you can get better. I’ve seen it happen. A few years ago, I met Irma, a 72-year-old grandmother. In high school, she spoke up in class and her English teacher told her, “That is the absolute worst communication I have ever heard.” From that moment on, she avoided speaking so intensely that she chose to become a research librarian, partly so she wouldn’t have to talk to many people. Then her granddaughter, whom she adored, asked her to give a toast at her wedding. Irma wanted to do it. When she told me her goal, her face showed sheer terror and complete determination. Three months later, after hard work and encouragement, Irma gave an amazing toast. The joy on her face is something I’ll never forget. Like Irma, you can learn to manage anxiety, whether you’re speaking at a wedding or in a meeting, pitching or protesting. And we all benefit from the stories you’re going to share, the input you’re going to give, and the ideas you’re going to spread. I look forward to your speaking up without freaking out. Thank you.